Yesterdays’s Disdain

As I am down on my hands and knees once more, cleaning the grout on our well traveled floor

I wonder, as I often do, what and who it is I am to all those who walk through my door.

What will be their memories, these three little girls I adore?

Will they remember the hugs and giggles as I tickle them under their cute little chins?

Or the nights when I snuggle them tight after a rough day of struggle and they cried to sleep

As I hold them oh so tight….and wonder as I struggle for sleep if I am doing it all right.

The, boys grown now, a part of my heart aches for pain and missed moments

Knowing in my mind that what’s done is done and these regrets I ought to shake.

When they look through their parental eyes at babies so precious, do their hearts quake?

Do they remember fondly the times we played and fell fast asleep together on the couch?

Or unimpressed with their behavior…days that often began and ended with, “ouch”?

Do they look back now hard pressed and think – my mom she did her best?

As I am down on my hands and knees once more, cleaning the grout on our well traveled floor

I think how ironic it is that here I am cleaning the mess we have all trod into the tiled decor

It resembles life, this cleaning and scrubbing on my hands and knees, thinking of all I have seen

Gathering the crumbs and shards of our messy lives, shoved into corners and ground down

Like the inner parts of my heart and mind, meandering like a lazy river to all that’s left behind

Unbidden, the thoughts flow like a river over jagged, encrusted rocks in my brain unrefined.

Flashes of memory, come and go like the interminable film on the movie screen

You can see what is taking place, though you cannot be heard nor be seen

You know in advance the joys and the pains, though nothing can be done to cease the disdain

I’m down on my hands and knees once more, cleaning the grout on our well traveled floor

How ironic I am down here kneeling alone, scrubbing and cleansing to no true avail

When those who can make a difference make their own choices to linger….on yesterdays trail.

~TLT

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