Good day friends!! As I sat drinking my second cup of joe, I found a piece written last December when my mind was full of turmoil. The divorce had just been finalized two months prior and though we’d been apart for a full year, the aftershocks were still reverberating through our lives.
Here we are with another year gone by – I can still hear your voice berating me inside my mind – I cannot make a decision without a second guess – Every move I make to start anew – Is sure to make yet another giant mess – Around and around the voices swirl- Viciously cutting me again so deep: “You’re a quitter. You’re just going to walk away? After everything I’ve done for you…You’d be nothing without me.”
Bitch, liar, selfish…just a few of the words you used to describe me. I’ve forgiven the words and walked away, but here I stand in the in-between – not knowing which way to turn when my path is unseen.
On most days I thank my God for the life we had – it was a good life in its moments when you were not mad – Our life together made me stronger – I learned even better how to stand on my own – It taught me what I’d put up with no longer.
If only I could take those years – Press them down into a small square – Toss them up into the sky and then blow them into smithereens like so much dust in the air. – Maybe then it wouldn’t still hurt that you hate me. – Maybe then I could truly trust another with my fragile heart. – Maybe then I could make decisions without worrying my world will fall apart.
Maybe I could be like you with malice in your glare. – Walk through the rest of my life acting as if I just don’t care.
For now, the words you used to describe me – Still sit heavy in my heart and my head – I wish I could put them inside the box with all the words I never said.
The fantastic aspect of reflecting is it allows us to see how much we have grown since then. Though there are still days when I struggle with the inner voice hammering me with all the negative, for the most part I’m at peace with where I am. The aftershocks have pretty much ceased, though the occasional rumble still occurs as tensions have not eased.
Remind yourself right now, if you’re down in it and struggling to find the light, it doesn’t last forever and there is more to this journey that just the fight to make it through to the next day.
Some may wonder why I share these words and for you, those who think, “Who cares?”, I say that I share because I know and understand that sometimes all we need to know is that someone else has lived through it. You’re not alone and you’re not odd or strange for feeling the way you do. Hold on….
Thanks for reading my friends! Have a fabulous week! Until next time…