A Reflection of Regret in Prose

Good day friends!! As I sat drinking my second cup of joe, I found a piece written last December when my mind was full of turmoil. The divorce had just been finalized two months prior and though we’d been apart for a full year, the aftershocks were still reverberating through our lives.

Here we are with another year gone by – I can still hear your voice berating me inside my mind – I cannot make a decision without a second guess – Every move I make to start anew – Is sure to make yet another giant mess – Around and around the voices swirl- Viciously cutting me again so deep: “You’re a quitter. You’re just going to walk away? After everything I’ve done for you…You’d be nothing without me.” 

Bitch, liar, selfish…just a few of the words you used to describe me. I’ve forgiven the words and walked away, but here I stand in the in-between – not knowing which way to turn when my path is unseen.

On most days I thank my God for the life we had – it was a good life in its moments when you were not mad – Our life together made me stronger – I learned even better how to stand on my own – It taught me what I’d put up with no longer.

If only I could take those years – Press them down into a small square – Toss them up into the sky and then blow them into smithereens like so much dust in the air. – Maybe then it wouldn’t still hurt that you hate me. – Maybe then I could truly trust another with my fragile heart. – Maybe then I could make decisions without worrying my world will fall apart.

Maybe I could be like you with malice in your glare. – Walk through the rest of my life acting as if I just don’t care. 

For now, the words you used to describe me – Still sit heavy in my heart and my head – I wish I could put them inside the box with all the words I never said. 

~tlt

The fantastic aspect of reflecting is it allows us to see how much we have grown since then. Though there are still days when I struggle with the inner voice hammering me with all the negative, for the most part I’m at peace with where I am. The aftershocks have pretty much ceased, though the occasional rumble still occurs as tensions have not eased.

Remind yourself right now, if you’re down in it and struggling to find the light, it doesn’t last forever and there is more to this journey that just the fight to make it through to the next day.

Some may wonder why I share these words and for you, those who think, “Who cares?”, I say that I share because I know and understand that sometimes all we need to know is that someone else has lived through it. You’re not alone and you’re not odd or strange for feeling the way you do. Hold on….

Thanks for reading my friends! Have a fabulous week! Until next time…

Peace

~TLT

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Bad At Love….prose

As so often is the case, it’s easier for me to express emotion via writing than in the spoken word. I’ve been contemplating ways to express these feelings that have been sitting down deep in my gut for quite a while, so it’s not new feelings that are presented for your consumption.

They’re more like ongoing, continuous and ever-present feelings and a belief that I’ll be hard pressed to find a partner in this life who “gets” me and is willing and able to grow alongside me. This is not to say that I’m actively looking for that person though. I’d rather be by myself and happy with that situation than to ever again be in a relationship where feeling inadequate, lonely and hopeless were my daily companions. There’s something to be said for spending time solo.

Without further ado, here are three short pieces written in the last 24 hours or so. Let me know what you think! Also, I’m debating on providing you, my lovely and faithful readers, with snapshots from the YA fiction novel I’m currently writing. We shall see!

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                                       Silence is golden like autumn leaves. True love is a lie, a story you can’t make me believe. They’re fairytales told for the deaf, dumb and blind. To believe in them, I’m under no obligation. Call me cynical and jaded if you will, but even though I’m standing alone, I’m no longer standing still. ~T

                                          ******************************************************

                                         You said you wouldn’t let me just walk away, but here I am with my back turned and I haven’t heard from you in several days. You told me you loved me, we both know now that was a lie you deluded yourself into thinking was true, so you you could say it with conviction while looking into my eyes.  I never really believed you. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now it has fallen like the tear drops I refuse. If I don’t allow them to fall, they’re not impossible to stop.  ~T

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People use words to say they love you, but I’m saddened upon thinking those words hold very little meaning when their actions don’t hold true.

Feeling let down and yet no longer surprised when the sadness wells up behind these hazel eyes. 

Once more it is best to count on self, place feelings high up on an unseen shelf. Expect nothing so you won’t be deceived. It no longer matters what you want to believe.

Words hold no meaning at all, actions of the heart tell the real story. Love is a verb not simply a noun. Find me someday, if you dare, when you figure it out. 

~T                 

Bat at love image

Irony or Serendipity?

Ironically, tomorrow it will be one year since my last blog post though this is not for lack of my trying. For one reason or another I was unable to post anything to my blog for at least the last six months! At some point, I just kind of gave up and figured it would work itself out after I’d contacted WordPress and asked them about it, only to be told that I’d not been locked out of my account and they could not detect any malfunctions.

Humph! I was stumped, but one of the lessons I’ve been repeatedly presented with is that I cannot control every single thing in my life and those things which I cannot control must be let go of. This doesn’t mean it is not important or that I can’t revisit the idea, rather it means I must not drive myself crazy with attempting to remedy the situation at every turn. Let it go. Sounds like a song….oh wait! It IS a song!

There’s no way for me to catch you up with all that has happened in my crazy life in the last year in just one blog post, so I won’t bore you with all the details. Suffice it to say, my marriage was finally, officially dissolved and life has taken on new and exciting possibilities. Of course, there are many responsibilities, such as parenthood and employment, that have continued on, but somehow it’s all a little different when one is doing it without a partner.

There are three big events happening in my life right now and if you’ve been following my journey for a while you are already in the know. However, for those of you who do not know me personally or not well the three events are: I’m competing in my first “figure” competition in six weeks, I’m writing an autobiography of sorts that has been in the background of my mind for several years and finally, I’m writing a novel with my soon to be 14 year old daughter! All of these are risky for me personally, however, I firmly believe with my entire being that they are also necessary for personal growth. We will not grow from a stagnant pond (life). There must be movement and with movement comes risk because we can’t know the outcome of our endeavors until such time as we complete the task we attempted.

The title of today’s blog, irony or serendipity is apt because I’d been wanting to post but couldn’t, and now I really NEED to make sure I have an audience willing to buy in to what I have to say. It’s a bit hard to drum up interest for a book without an audience wouldn’t you say? Smile! Bear with me as we explore this portion of our journey without a map to guide our path. It will be entertaining to be sure!

Peace

~TlT